The Enemy Within

19 years ago, my father passed away. He was my everything. My protector, my advisor, and the director of my life and thoughts. He stopped me from thinking negative thoughts about myself or even others before they festered into something uncontrollable. A lot of people admired him for his values and integrity. One Sunday evening, after spending the entire weekend with us watching cricket, making jokes and eating our favourite fruit, watermelon, he fell ill and had to be taken to the hospital. Two days later, he was gone. Just like that. I came home from school and my mother was on the phone telling someone on the other end of the phone that my world was gone. Disappeared without a trace. The rest of the events that would follow have left a great mark on my life because they were the first signs that my life would never be the same again. 

As usual, life went on. I grew up, made mistakes, tried to learn from them and desperately tried to find my father's replacement without success. I opened myself up to so many people that my preteen and teenage years were a ball of tears until my matric year, when I suffered my first anxiety attack. Then I went on to tertiary and later on, I landed my first job, but there was never any celebration on any achievement because the person I used to celebrate with was gone. I was then diagnosed with mild depression in 2010 and that's when my life paused. I stopped having friends, I alienated my family and even tried to get rid of my boyfriend (now husband) but he was just not having it - LOL. 

Looking back, I used to embrace and give thanks to fear. Thinking that because of it, I was protected from a lot of bad things, only to find out that I was actually opening myself up to a lot more danger within. I looked back and was glad that I stayed at home while others went out. Now, I wish I had gone out and had a life because I realise that fear had isolated me to a point of depression. I embraced fear so much that I began feeding it. I labelled myself as a horror movie fan. Every weekend, I would close myself in the house and binge on the most horrific movies I could get my hands on. That didn't help as it made me look at the world through the eyes of horror. I then became even more scared of everything and fear paralysed me. It locked me up in a dark corner and made me think that I was alone even with people who love around me.

My saving grace came in the form of my now husband who advised me to seek counsel at church. Mind you, a lot of the leaders I spoke to at my former church were horrified, especially when I shared the nightmares I was having every night. Until one day, I called my former Deacon and he shared the Word of God, fasted and prayed with me for 3 days. The bible says, "So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God." in Romans 10 verse 17 and also "For God hath not given us the Spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." in 2 Timothy 1 verse 7. Something in me started to change as the Deacon started shedding the light of God into my life. I stopped watching horrors completely, started reading the Word more and praying with the ladies at work and I even started going to the gym. My life began to change but there was and there still is an internal fight that I engage in occasionally that sets me back into that darkness.  

Some of the other tools that helped me quite a bit, besides my faith are:

1.  Identify that you do have a problem.

2.  Seek help. Reach out to a family member or a friend to accompany you in speaking to a professional or a spiritual person.

3.  Change the way you live. Start small and build on it. Even if you just go for a 15-minute walk once a week. It'll start bringing some form of positivity into your life.

 

4.  Read more. Even it's only short articles or blogs that cover your interests or even those that speak about the battle that you are currently facing and how to overcome it.

 

5.  Prioritise yourself. Once a week, or however often you can, take a me day. Pamper yourself. Take a warm bath with a glass of wine and good music or ice cream and a foot massage. Whatever it is that brings your soul joy, do it. You deserve it after a week of facing the enemy within.

Remember, you are not alone. No one is perfect, and we are all fighting battles that no one knows anything about. So, find your armour, suit up and live to fight another day! 

Cheers.