Suddenly Gone.

It’s the day before the last day of the month and it feels like we were celebrating a cold first day of spring just yesterday. Sometimes, that’s what it feels like when you lose someone you loved. It feels like they were just here, healthy and strong and the next minute they are gone and that can leave wounds that can be very hard to heal or that may never really heal. A loss of life can bring many questions and your last conversation with the deceased will become significant as you try to figure things out. I recently lost someone who was becoming a good friend. Looking back, our last conversation, was quite significant to both our lives. I thought it was the beginning of something amazing, but God knew it was the healing and closure needed for the end. Experiencing this loss felt quite strange to me as I had never had such an encounter. But, I finally, understood how some families might be feeling because of Covid. One day, their families or friends are fine and in a matter of days or even weeks they are gone. Confusion and questions bombard your mind before you even put that person to rest. 

Loss comes to everyone at some stage of their lives and that can cause a lot of grief. Whether you lose a loved one, a job or a relationship and during this time of Covid, it can bring on a lot of sadness that can consume your life. A lot of people have lost at least one or even all of the above during the country's lockdown.

The five stages of grief:

-     Denial

Grief is very personal and how you deal with it will be unique to you. Sometimes  in order to cope people pretend that the loss didn’t happen, and this allows their mind time to absorb the news and face it. I denied my feelings of hurt because I didn’t believe that I had any right to grieve someone who I only really knew in a few months. But, I soon accepted my feelings of sadness and cried for the friend I lost in her.

-     Anger

Because grief is different for everyone and for every loss, you may skip this phase during your grieving time. Because my friend just recently passed, I haven’t gone through this phase. I may not even need to go through this phase, but it brought back the anger I still feel about my father death. I was angry at my him and God as I wondered if there wasn’t anything that could have been done to save him.

Bargaining

This is the "if only" phase. In this phase, some start bargaining trying to avoid feeling the hurt and sadness. I don’t remember going through this phase in my grieving for a death of a loved one but I did with friendships that ended. I have grieved for a friendship where you see that the other person is just not as invested as you are anymore, but you still try to keep in touch and make them interested in the friendship again, but it’s just not working. I’ve bargained by trying to find out what it is that changed, and most times, I would try to find fault within myself to try and fix so that I can see if that will get the other person interested in the friendship again.

Depression

This stage is very important and needs a lot of attention. If you feel like you are stuck in this stage for too long, seek professional help. It's normal to feel defeated and down after a loss because it is a life changing event that you go through, no matter how small or insignificant the loss may seem to others. You need to allow yourself time to fully realise the impact of the loss on you, so that you can start working on healing. I cried for my father every day for a month. I felt the loss fully. I am still dealing with losing him because he was such a significant person in my life. But after that I started noticing life around me. My sisters and my mom were laughing again, and people were still going about their lives. So, I chose to live, to survive.

Acceptance

This came years later for me when I finally accepted that my father was gone, and it was God’s plan. I realised that nothing could have been done to save him, if it was God’s will for him to go at that time. Acceptance is quite a process and you may require some help to make it through this phase.

There are unhealthy ways of dealing with grief and these prolong the sadness instead of bringing closure and acceptance. These are seen in people who are not willing to talk about their loss or they speak about the deceased in the present tense, or someone who is completely breaks down every time the loss is mentioned and they can even become hostile and moody. Someone who is suicidal and is resistant to any form of counselling is another sign of unhealthy grieving. Other signs are of people who drink excessively, withdraw from family and friends and are overwhelmed by loneliness. These are just some of the ways in which you can identify someone who is really struggling to come to terms with what they have lost. If you do recognise these signs, it might be wise to seek professional advise on how you can help them.

Grief is very personal and cannot really be justified by common sense at times. Some people lash out at those grieving the most and others choose to close everyone out. In whatever way you deal with the grief of whatever or whoever it may be that you’ve lost, allow yourself time to process the whole thing and to come to terms with how your life will change and/or be affected by this loss before rushing to move on.

For free professional assistance with grief please visit:

http://www.sadag.org/

24hr Helpline 0800 456 789

Cheers